Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
