Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
