So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
