I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
