Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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