i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
