Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
