You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
