2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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