I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
