Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
