Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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