Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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