I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
