Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
