Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
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