got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
