I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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