i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
