i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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