I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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