why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
