you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
there is puke in my bra ... again
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