Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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