so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
