oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Drunk is a universal language darling
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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