She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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