I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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