Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
