remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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