someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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