Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
