You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize