I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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