guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
