I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
