I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
This is the high leading the old right now
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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