Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
