I could make wine with my vomit
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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