Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
