I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
