lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
