only if we run a train.
done.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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