toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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