I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
