my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
