What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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