This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
