you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
