I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
